Believing in god isn’t as much a religion thing as it is a heart thing for me.  I’ve been raised by two amazingly, truly good people who showed me god is something that is seen in more places than the pews of a church.  I’ve always trusted in the presence and love of god.  A god who sees all, knows all.  A god who knows who you are and sees your heart.  A god who would not condemn a kind, good hearted soul if that person did not worship in a church.  After attending an all girls Catholic school traditional religion became more of a subject to be studied than something I was feeling inside.  Which lead to me rejecting a lot of the conventional religious practices most my life-like Sunday mass, or nightly prayers.

While I was not attending masses or regularly on my knees for god growing up, he was in my life.  I was seeing him and hearing him, I just wasn’t open to his signs; and rejected the idea that God was still there even if I was not receiving him. It took motherhood for me to see his everyday presence in my life, and be open to the signs god was sending me.  Growing up the idea of talking to god looked a lot like the clouds parting and a Zuese like figure descending upon me, speaking to me in a booming all encompassing voice.  In reality it’s more about seeing the things that he’s putting right in front of you and accepting when there’s no other explanation.  Those unexplained signs or the moments that leave you breathless are the real voice of god.

Growing up in a Catholic school, attending only formal mass, and studying the Bible like a textbook; all lead me to see god as a character in a story rather than a part of mine. Now that I am in a season of life that I have been blessed with all the things I never knew I needed - I see him.  I see his hand in getting me here and I see how my path was influenced.  I see god in my past, I see him in the lowest lows, and in the highest highs. I trust there is a bigger plan at play for me I can see his work in my life.  Particularly with my infertility and motherhood journey. My path has been filled with those moments of improbability and unexplainable occurrences that always lead me to look up, as if he’s looking down chuckling-like finally she saw me! The latest of which I wanted to share with all of you.

I want to tell you a story about how god screamed out to me recently at a time when I didn’t want to hear him.  The clouds never parted, there was no booming voice, or glowing Zuese-but there was something unbelievable, in fact just plain unlikely.  Followed by something even stranger and even more unexplainable. When god wants you to hear him he’s going to be loud-and that does always mean something screaming in your ear.  Read on to hear how I heard god.

This is just one of many of the moments where I can’t help but chuckle and say ‘ok I hear you god’, that I’ve experienced in motherhood and infertility. This particular moment was following almost three years of infertility and a tireless debate over starting ovulation meds and the high possibility of multiples. Most of our infertile years my husband had been indifferent towards moving forward with medication or other infertility treatments, he’s always been more patient than me.  But this particular week he had voiced to me on several occasions how he wanted to move forward with ovulation medication; despite the very high chances we will end up with multiples. This alone should have alerted me I wasn’t making the right choice; but stubborn as I am I brushed it off and continued on trying to convince him multiples were too scary of a risk to take for our family. This goes on for a few weeks and I still don’t budge with my husbands requests to explore our options.

This is where I tell you god is persistent, and if you don’t listen the first time, he will try again-louder. After a week of heavily debating if we could support and love multiples Friday afternoon came along and I randomly craved a fried egg; something I don’t eat a ton of, particularly at lunch. Again-hi god, sorry I’m so stubborn. I go into the kitchen to make my egg and as I crack it into the pan I notice, for the first time I can remember, the egg is a TWIN yolk. It did make me pause for a moment but Id made my decision not to do ovulation meds at the moment. A double yolk is not something incredibly common (little did I know just how uncommon), obviously god was talking to me-but yet again I decided to be stubborn. I’m afraid I won’t be a good multiple mom so I didn’t want to hear him telling me to be brave.

As if it hasn’t been weird enough up till now here’s where things get undeniable.  The next morning I’m sipping my coffee as my husband makes eggs and suddenly he says ‘I got twins!’, you guys, he got a double yolk too!  This one finally made me stop, but that wasn’t enough for god, he needed me to hear him.  God is loud.  My husband cracked his second egg, and IT WAS A TWIN YOLK!! I was shook, three consecutive twin yolks in the middle of discussing the possibility of multiples in our family.  The chances of cracking just one double yolk is 1/1000, neither of us had ever seen one in our life.  We were both in total disbelieve, really a moment that didn’t need words.  We both knew what he was saying to us, we heard it loud and clear; the appointment to see the specialist was booked by Monday.

God is talking to you, you just need to listen, even when it’s hard, even when it might not be what you want to hear. There have been points in my life I have been so low I’ve questioned why god put me there.  But now, on the other side I see there was no other way to get me to where I am now. I trust that infertility is a journey that will feel like that for us in the end.  Something we can look back on and understand why.  I’ve decided to trust in His path for me, whatever that is-multiples or not. I heard god and now I’m starting a journey that scares me but I know I need to walk, because 'he said so'.  My appointment is this week and I’ve got all the butterflies in the world but know it’s time to take the next steps.

Do you hear god in your life?  Share with me the moments that made your heart stop, those times you can’t deny a bigger plan.  I want to hear your stories!